DQ

I think I wrote a post about DQ before. That was a night that I wanted, but because I do not possess the car, I could not get it.

Tonight is similar.

Today Mr. D€85 told me “use your brain”. Just because you are under pressure, that does not give you the right to chastise someone for doing their job, especially when they have been doing it with utter accuracy.

DQ;

I asked to stop by DQ in Westbees, I was told no. I pay for my own thing, as I always have to. I simply asked to stop so I can get the DQ.

No.

When you go home you does just sit down you know.

When I go home, if the garbage have to take out, I take it out. When I buy something, everyone gets, and most times they get more than me. If it’s to go somewhere, I am asked and I go. If it’s to make popcorn, I am asked and I make the popcorn. If the internet is giving trouble whole day, when I reach home I am asked to call bmobile and I do it.

I am always asked.

I always say “yes”.

When I ask, I get “no” a lot.

I’m so tired.

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2018

I am going to try my hardest this year to only speak when necessary. Sometimes I may not speak at all. I waste too many words and I waste too much air on frivolous things.

I am going to try my hardest this year to listen.

I am going to try my hardest this year to observe.

I am going to try my hardest this year to experience.

I am going to try my hardest this year.

Boxing Day 2017

“Ya getting too big!” was the first thing you said to me. Not “Merry Christmas!”, it was “Ya getting too big!”

Thank you” was my response.

Then you slapped my ass and said “look at that, you getting too big.”

Thank you so much.

Yesterday (Christmas Day) I got a handbag, I am really grateful for it but I do not like it. I am very grateful that I got something but was I supposed to lie and say I liked it or pretend that I did? I apologise that I hurt anyone’s feelings.

I need a change of scenery. I need to breathe foreign air, I need to see foreign things. Make foreign relationships. Experience foreign things.

Christmas 2017

I must say that this Christmas has been terrible; family wise.

I can’t catch a break.

No one sees what I do. Which is everything that is asked of me.

I buy things and I share, but no, I am in the wrong.

Large

Two days before you said “no, the large would be a better fit,” so I did not buy the mediums that they had. This morning I put on old top that I had because you said the mediums would not fit. You saw me and said “oh God that look washout.”

I said “well I don’t have any new ones.”

“Sometimes is best I don’t tell y’all nothing yes” was your response.

I am so tired.

I said “well I have no new ones and you said that the medium would be too small.

You replied asking me why I didn’t go change my top.

“Into what? You would wait for me to change my top??!”

I know you. You were not going to wait for me to change tops.

Your response to my question was “what you would change it to?” I said “I don’t know!” And that was the end.

That was the end of that whole conversation.

I’m so tired.

My eyes started to water because of the large situation and the whole situation about not dropping my thing. If I wasn’t in that car, I would have cried, as in tear-streaked cheeks cry.

Really Tired

I am really tired of the castigation.

I am really tired of not being able to say no.

I am really tired of everything.

Emotionally.

Mentally.

Physically.

Tired.

Personally I am really tired of the self hate. I know that I have the power to change this “really tired of”, but I do not know if I can, with the family that breeds it.

 

Te quiero

Even after telling me not to message if I am not going to be your girlfriend, you keep messaging me “te quiero”.

You do not.

You do not love me. You do not know me. I thought we could be friends. I am okay with being friends. I was actually laughing and making jokes this morning because I thought that we were only friends, but you are not making this easy. You went to get something to eat and you messaged “te quiero”.

You do not.

I told you that I “want to be friends”, that yesterday was nice as friends. I told you that “You want to hurry on this and I’m not going to hurry to anything”, I told you that “I do not like it when you give me ultimatums and tell me a girlfriend or nothing.” That that was not nice. Yet when you went to get something to eat you messaged “te quiero”.

You know what sucks and is hurtful?

I would love for someone to genuinely tell me all the things that you have been writing to me. I would love that so much. It would mean that someone actually sees me (I am okay with being invisible, more than most time, almost always). And more than that, someone that I am okay with, likes me. It would mean that maybe I might have something worthy of the books. That I would have a stomach full of butterflies, toe curling, heart fluttering, nerves on end romance.

I hate that the only reason someone is so persistent is to rectify their status.

Caió

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Well look at that. I am okay with this. It just hurts a little that that is the reason that someone is so passionately pursuing me; to alter their alien status.

Google translate

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¿Por qué yo?

We have not even known each other for nine days.

Tonight has been draining.

So fucking draining.

I am trying to say that we can be friends first and then maybe be in a relationship. Let us be friends first. What is the issue with that? Oh I know; the whole “alien” thing. You are talking about marriage already. “Yo soy muy objetivo“. The fuck? You have not even known me for nine days. You do not even know me at all. You do not know my age, my life, my anything. You know my name, the street I live on . You know I have a mother, you know I have two sisters. That is it. Because you traveled with me one night and have seen my mother and sisters.

You say that you are not in a rush. But in my books, “just meeting someone and making them your significant other within less than two weeks” is a motherfucking rush. I do not think that you are genuine. I believe that you may like me externally, but you do not fucking know me to want all these things.

You know what? I read enough books to acquiesce that it may happen like that right, fall in like from the first look, but why be so rushed even when I have not turned you down? I simply asked to be friends first. Apparently that cannot happen. I guess we will be work friends. I honestly thought that friends first would be okay.

You gave me an ultimatum and even after I told you my side, you stuck with the ultimatum. I do not do well with ultimatums. 

I do not want to go to work tomorrow.

Verás que seremos buenos en todo.                                                                                               You will see that we will be good at everything.

Tenemos lo más importante que es la comunicación y que nos gustamos.                   We have the most important thing is communication and that we like.

I translated the following into Spanish to send to you. I have not. I am going to pretend that I fell asleep after your last messages. I am starting to not like you, as I suspect you are starting to not like me also. But that is okay, I hope you find the love of your life and I hope that she can get you something better than your alien status.

Honestamente me estás decepcionando. ¿Eres tan persistente porque parezco ingenuo o desesperado o estúpido, por lo que puedes obtener la ciudadanía? Ni siquiera me conoces desde hace nueve días.

I changed my profile picture to all black and you changed yours to a bathroom selfie almost immediately, when you were angry at me for asking to be friends first and you said work friends only.

So fucking draining.

Time to listen to some Sam Smith and maybe Demi Lovato’s song “Tell Me You Love Me” and Jessie J’s “You’re Not My Ex”.