hApPy

So apparently I cannot have something I love to do. I cannot feel pain, I cannot feel sick. I cannot feel tired, nor sleepy.

I am just supposed to be thinking about making money, while not totally saving it, but not enjoying life as well. I LOVE tennis. Last year I put most of it on hold and I was miserable. I do not want to live like that again. That is most relevant because of my current situation. Can I not have something where I can be happy? Where I can see people that make me laugh and I love? It is not the most important thing, but I think being happy sure is.

Money is a big part of life, especially when you need it, but it is not more important than happiness. Being happy is HEALTHY, someone should not have stress all of the time. I am twenty-five years old, I feel as though I have aged physically for the last few months, I hate how my body feels, HATE.

So let me have this, please, I do not ask for much.

Freight Train

Today something solidified. 

I have been replaced. There was a new friend.

I have been replaced and the reality hit me like a freight train, theoretically speaking of course, seeing as I have never actually seen a train of any variety.

Nonetheless, it fucking hurt.

Devoid of any questions; “Is this one-sided?” “Am I overthinking simple shit?” “Is something wrong?” Everything was clear. I was missed, but because it had been such a while, I had become a memory rather than a person, and then I was replaced.

I came to this realisation when we were in Trendy Kidz and my eyes started to water while we were in Detour. Of course I did not let any escape. I “yawned” like hell, because as you know; when you yawn; pressure is exerted onto the lacrimal sac, but those suckers (yawns) were faker than Dolly Parton’s boobs. They were an instrument to mask the water, if she had noticed. 

Just like now, writing this, I will “yawn” so much.

She had changed too ya know. Cannot pinpoint the extact “how” but there was change, I felt it.

It was only when I turned to walk away from them, after my lunch was done, did the water returned with such fervour, they were threatening to break the damn that was currently in construction. However, they only escaped when my ass was planted firmly on the chair by the desk that I occupy.

I did not get to finish talk about Barbados. I did not get to talk about the background investigator. Did not find out anything new. There was hardly any interaction. Know the sad thing? Maybe that has become a norm. How the hell did we end up like that? I was so certain otherwise, but damn did life prove me wrong.

It was at the time the realisation pounded that I grew quiet; distant in conversation. Don’t think they noticed though. This brings me to think about a picture I once saw and probably stored, about the signs and hiding their emotions. “Scorpio; Fucking pro, they could be dying inside and no one knows.”

FUCKING PRO.

And while I’m here writing this, listening to music; the most fucking slowest songs on my playlist decides to play.

Water comes

It’s real fucking sad how easy the water comes to my eyes these days. Real fucking sad. This is not how I am. Well it was not how I used to be, not this much. I mean I always felt, but this was overpowering.

Thin

I am being pulled so fuckinng thin. If only the physical aspects showed more than on my face. 

Fun

Today was a good day. 

It has been a while.

I still miss Abby.

I had a lot of fun with TS; she figured I needed cheering up.

Today was a good day.

Today

Today was not really a “feel good” day.

I was not that Hanna, I was not “jolly” Hanna. I did not feel to communicate other than for necessity. 

Today I did not feel to feel.

Today someone asked me “Ya alright?”

Today I nodded my head in response.

Today, that same person asked/told me “Ya sure? You ain’t looking like your normal self”

Today I just smiled at the comment.

Today the water came to my eyes with such frequency, but did not overflow.

Today the tired won.

Do not

I do not like when creativity or individualism is stifled. I think that is one of the reasons I cannot work in an office. 
I understand the runnings of an organisation and the workplace, but is less work getting done? Is it to the detriment of the company?

Could’ve fooled me how some people get on.

Sky

I really like the orange hues of the sunrises and sunsets. It makes the sky seem more endless than it already is.