Forever

I want a forever love.

I want a book worthy romance.

I want a breath caught in chest love.

I want toe curling, butterfly in stomach romance.

I want a crazy, exciting love.

I want someone who understands me.

I want a forever love.

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Slack

“Anything that is slack on me, would be tight on you!”

“That’s too small”

Waiting

Right now I am outside the mall waiting.

Waiting and crying as I message Nard Dog.

The honest naked truth that I have just messaged him has my eyes watering, my eyes sprouting the water that it holds.

I’m tired of not being thought of by the people that should at least consider me.

Right now I am waiting.

I shouldn’t have had to wait, the car would not be empty while you waited.

I am just so tired of waiting.

Don’t worry, I won’t ask again, I’ll find my way home, I’ll fend for myself.

Thank you so much.

Brain

You must use your brain.

That was said to me today. Who the fuck are you to tell me to use my brain? Just because you are under pressure with the money that you are not receiving, that does not give you the right to take it out on me. I am doing my tasks exceptionally considering what I met when I started. Take a look in the mirror before you cast aspersions. And you better check your glass house before you throw those stones.

DQ

I think I wrote a post about DQ before. That was a night that I wanted, but because I do not possess the car, I could not get it.

Tonight is similar.

Today Mr. D€85 told me “use your brain”. Just because you are under pressure, that does not give you the right to chastise someone for doing their job, especially when they have been doing it with utter accuracy.

DQ;

I asked to stop by DQ in Westbees, I was told no. I pay for my own thing, as I always have to. I simply asked to stop so I can get the DQ.

No.

When you go home you does just sit down you know.

When I go home, if the garbage have to take out, I take it out. When I buy something, everyone gets, and most times they get more than me. If it’s to go somewhere, I am asked and I go. If it’s to make popcorn, I am asked and I make the popcorn. If the internet is giving trouble whole day, when I reach home I am asked to call bmobile and I do it.

I am always asked.

I always say “yes”.

When I ask, I get “no” a lot.

I’m so tired.

2018

I am going to try my hardest this year to only speak when necessary. Sometimes I may not speak at all. I waste too many words and I waste too much air on frivolous things.

I am going to try my hardest this year to listen.

I am going to try my hardest this year to observe.

I am going to try my hardest this year to experience.

I am going to try my hardest this year.

Boxing Day 2017

“Ya getting too big!” was the first thing you said to me. Not “Merry Christmas!”, it was “Ya getting too big!”

Thank you” was my response.

Then you slapped my ass and said “look at that, you getting too big.”

Thank you so much.

Yesterday (Christmas Day) I got a handbag, I am really grateful for it but I do not like it. I am very grateful that I got something but was I supposed to lie and say I liked it or pretend that I did? I apologise that I hurt anyone’s feelings.

I need a change of scenery. I need to breathe foreign air, I need to see foreign things. Make foreign relationships. Experience foreign things.

Christmas 2017

I must say that this Christmas has been terrible; family wise.

I can’t catch a break.

No one sees what I do. Which is everything that is asked of me.

I buy things and I share, but no, I am in the wrong.

Large

Two days before you said “no, the large would be a better fit,” so I did not buy the mediums that they had. This morning I put on old top that I had because you said the mediums would not fit. You saw me and said “oh God that look washout.”

I said “well I don’t have any new ones.”

“Sometimes is best I don’t tell y’all nothing yes” was your response.

I am so tired.

I said “well I have no new ones and you said that the medium would be too small.

You replied asking me why I didn’t go change my top.

“Into what? You would wait for me to change my top??!”

I know you. You were not going to wait for me to change tops.

Your response to my question was “what you would change it to?” I said “I don’t know!” And that was the end.

That was the end of that whole conversation.

I’m so tired.

My eyes started to water because of the large situation and the whole situation about not dropping my thing. If I wasn’t in that car, I would have cried, as in tear-streaked cheeks cry.

Really Tired

I am really tired of the castigation.

I am really tired of not being able to say no.

I am really tired of everything.

Emotionally.

Mentally.

Physically.

Tired.

Personally I am really tired of the self hate. I know that I have the power to change this “really tired of”, but I do not know if I can, with the family that breeds it.