Te quiero

Even after telling me not to message if I am not going to be your girlfriend, you keep messaging me “te quiero”.

You do not.

You do not love me. You do not know me. I thought we could be friends. I am okay with being friends. I was actually laughing and making jokes this morning because I thought that we were only friends, but you are not making this easy. You went to get something to eat and you messaged “te quiero”.

You do not.

I told you that I “want to be friends”, that yesterday was nice as friends. I told you that “You want to hurry on this and I’m not going to hurry to anything”, I told you that “I do not like it when you give me ultimatums and tell me a girlfriend or nothing.” That that was not nice. Yet when you went to get something to eat you messaged “te quiero”.

You know what sucks and is hurtful?

I would love for someone to genuinely tell me all the things that you have been writing to me. I would love that so much. It would mean that someone actually sees me (I am okay with being invisible, more than most time, almost always). And more than that, someone that I am okay with, likes me. It would mean that maybe I might have something worthy of the books. That I would have a stomach full of butterflies, toe cringing, heart fluttering, nerves on end romance.

I hate that the only reason someone is so persistent is to rectify their status.

 

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Caió

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Well look at that. I am okay with this. It just hurts a little that that is the reason that someone is so passionately pursuing me; to alter their alien status.

Google translate

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¿Por qué yo?

We have not even known each other for nine days.

Tonight has been draining.

So fucking draining.

I am trying to say that we can be friends first and then maybe be in a relationship. Let us be friends first. What is the issue with that? Oh I know; the whole “alien” thing. You are talking about marriage already. “Yo soy muy objetivo“. The fuck? You have not even known me for nine days. You do not even know me at all. You do not know my age, my life, my anything. You know my name, the street I live on . You know I have a mother, you know I have two sisters. That is it. Because you traveled with me one night and have seen my mother and sisters.

You say that you are not in a rush. But in my books, “just meeting someone and making them your significant other within less than two weeks” is a motherfucking rush. I do not think that you are genuine. I believe that you may like me externally, but you do not fucking know me to want all these things.

You know what? I read enough books to acquiesce that it may happen like that right, fall in like from the first look, but why be so rushed even when I have not turned you down? I simply asked to be friends first. Apparently that cannot happen. I guess we will be work friends. I honestly thought that friends first would be okay.

You gave me an ultimatum and even after I told you my side, you stuck with the ultimatum. I do not do well with ultimatums. 

I do not want to do to work tomorrow.

Verás que seremos buenos en todo.                                                                                               You will see that we will be good at everything.

Tenemos lo más importante que es la comunicación y que nos gustamos.                             We have the most important thing is communication and that we like.

I translated the following into Spanish to send to you. I have not. I am going to pretend that I fell asleep after your last messages. I am starting to not like you, as I suspect you are starting to not like me also. But that is okay, I hope you find the love of your life and I hope that she can get you something better than your alien status.

Honestamente me estás decepcionando. ¿Eres tan persistente porque parezco ingenuo o desesperado o estúpido, por lo que puedes obtener la ciudadanía? Ni siquiera me conoces desde hace nueve días.

I changed my profile picture to all black and you changed yours to a bathroom selfie almost immediately, when you were angry at me for asking to be friends first and you said work friends only.

So fucking draining.

Time to listen to some Sam Smith and maybe Demi Lovato’s song “Tell Me You Love Me” and Jessie J’s “You’re Not My Ex”.

Alien

The only way someone could “feel” so passionate is if they are an alien?

If I may get a say in their living situation?

I am not flattered. It is not genuine.

I am tired.

I am tired of all the pretences. Tired of all the empty fancy words and sentences.

Tired of the in-genuine alien.

Emotions

I am actually pretty hurt by Ryan. I feel underestimated.

I feel as though I need to cry. Have you ever felt like that? Felt the insatiable need to cry?

A need to have a meltdown?

It will not be enough to just cry, I need a proper meltdown, but I do not have the time or the space to have the meltdown that I rightfully deserve.

The meltdown is not because of Ryan, but part of the cry will be.

Cry the underestimation out of my system. Cry the thing that I broke today out of my system. Cry this “not so good day” out of my system.

Birthday

My birthday came and went.

I did nothing but took care of my grams. Didn’t go out.

I did not mind taking care of my grams, cause come on, she’s my grams.

The first day of 26 came and went with no fancy activity.

 

The second day of 26, there was a party in Freeport, not for me, but a party nonetheless.

A surprise cake that was for me and games for everyone.

Feel

I find myself wanting to stay in. 

I find myself not feeling to talk to everyone. 

I find myself feeling to exhibit hermit like qualities.
I used to want to go out.

I used to want to talk.
My birthday is next Saturday.

I am okay with doing nothing. At least I think I am.

Only time will tell.

Confidence

Confidence? 

I don’t got it.

It seems to me that everyone has confidence in me.

Everyone except me of course.

They say “you got this!”, “you know this!” and then they ask how it went, in the hopes of hearing or seeing because everything is texted these days, “I crushed it!”, “I made it my bitch!”

If we were playing Never Have I Ever, I would have been extremely parched for a drink.

Confidence? 
I don’t got it.

Confidence?

How do I get it?
………………………